A Preacher's Confession Vol. 7
by Neil Brown
I punched through the window on the side of the front door secretly hoping
that it would all be over. I had succeeded except for one or two layers of
skin, as I would discover later. Blood was everywhere. I had been taken
home to change clothes in order to appear in a school assembly. The
Assistant Principal didn't like the dress down look and figured that I was
unaware of the assembly, and she was right. Dad was working the night
shift, so I knew that he was home sleeping. But the wind was really hard
that day, and he had locked the screen door so that it wouldn't open
anymore and disturb his slumber. I couldn't get in. Not through the
garage, not through the back door, not through a window. And so, all of
the aggression and all of my problems with my self-esteem surfaced and all
of my frustrations and all of my fears came up and I, tired of trying to
get in, punched a hole through glass and decided to brush my arm against
its jagged edges. Wasn't all that painful either, it was more of a “poke”
I suppose. I knew what was happening the entire time.
I will say that if I recall correctly, I have spent most of my time trying
to get in. I have tried to “fit in", in a variety of areas and places. I
tried in school to fit in with the jocks, I wasn't able. I tried with the
preppies, that didn't work. I tried with the “smart kids” and that was a
joke. I tried with adults, and that didn't — still doesn't work. Then I
tried God, and that worked... in fact, is still working. I found, if I
could borrow from the cliché, I found in Him a resting place, and He has
made me glad.
CONTINUES BELOW
I've had a lot of jagged edges,
Things that make you lose hope in yourself and
in humanity. Somehow I slipped through the cracks. And while I look okay
on the outside, the inside has been through personal turmoil and tragedy.
Suicide is the real deal, and it's not easy to beat. I haven't felt the
pain in a real long time, but somebody needs to know that I understand
your pain. When it feels like nobody around you cares or pays attention.
When your feelings are hurt for no good reason and you play it off as a
joke and join in the joking attacking your own self. When you participate
in certain “behaviors” just to get a rise out of people. When you do what
is “expected” of you and don't feel like it. When you do the right thing
because that's what your home training dictates. When you get home late at
night and the shades are drawn and you are crying out for help with nobody
answering. While you are depressed and moody and can't figure out why. Or
even listening to the voices in your head that tell you all the negative
things about you, even if they aren't true. Yeah, it's kinda like that.
Who do you reach out to? Who do you call? Everyone thinks you have a good
head on your shoulders, but when you are by yourself, who cradles you in
their arms and tells you everything is going to work out? Who whispers
sweet nothings in your ears to make you feel you wanted and needed? Who
defends you and tells others to leave you alone? Just who can you count
on?
Suicide, the permanent solution to temporary problems? It takes more
courage to live than to die from self-inflicted wounds. Jesus, as I would
find out later, is the permanent solution to temporary problems. Jesus
said I come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly. I had
been hoping for others to validate me and make me feel secure. My security
is not in friends, it is in the life that comes from Jesus the Christ.
Now, I know whatever happens in my life, I have one friend no matter what.
I don't really have a large circle of friends in the first place. I limit
myself to this enigmatic figure, full of complexities and not really
letting anyone in anymore. And so, what I've discovered is that now people
are trying to get in with me and it's not working. I'm not sure that I
even know how to let people in at this point. Writing this series has been
one of the most cleansing things I've ever been through aside from
receiving salvation.
God has allowed me to purge my pain. It has been through tears and
frustration, exhaustion and fatigue that I can truly tell you that I am
free from some of the emotions that have been a hard lesson in life. I'm a
work in progress and trying to still figure something out, among them, how
to let some people in and let down my guard. You'll have to bear with me,
it isn't easy to try this again. But my life is worth it, and it is worth
living. Why should I die when somebody died for me already? Suicide, not
the answer, but a closed door. You can't overcome the problem if you don't
face it. Suicide, not an answer, but you running and not wanting to see
resolution. I'm a conqueror, you can be too, just pick a different ending.
Reverend Neil Brown
11 February 2007
holla@neilbrown.org
A Preacher's Confession
God has allowed me to purge my pain. It has
been through tears and frustration,
exhaustion and fatigue that I can truly tell
you that I am free from some of the emotions
that have been a hard lesson in life. I'm a
work in progress and trying to still figure
something out, among them, how to let some
people in and let down my guard. You'll have
to bear with me, it isn't easy to try this
again. But my life is worth it, and it is
worth living. Why should I die when somebody
died for me already? Suicide, not the
answer, but a closed door. You can't
overcome the problem if you don't face it.
Suicide, not an answer, but you running and
not wanting to see resolution. I'm a
conqueror, you can be too, just pick a
different ending.
After they prayed,
the place where they were meeting was
shaken. And they were all filled with the
Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God
boldly. 32 All the believers were one
in heart and mind. No one claimed that any
of his possessions was his own, but they
shared everything they had. 33 With great
power the apostles continued to testify to
the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much
grace was upon them all. 34 There were no
needy persons among them. For from time to
time those who owned lands or houses sold
them, brought the money from the sales 35
and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was
distributed to anyone as he had need. —Acts
4:31-35
Audio
Fix It
Click Image To Play
Meditation by Neil M. Brown. Copyright © 2003 Neil Brown Ministries /
Helen Joyce Music. All rights reserved.
Not Everyone Walks Away
The Secret Disciple
A Place Called Gethsemane
I Just Want The Scraps
What Are We Going To Be?
Fix It
Excuse Me
Trouble Don't Last Always
Master Of My Storm
Recent
Sex: A Preacher's Confession
If your child wants to do something bad
enough, they will find a way. Things that
are expressly forbidden become fruit we deem
to be real tasty. It's like a dangling a
carrot; we will chase it until we can catch
it, taste it, eat it and digest it. It is
critical then parents that if you tell your
child no, that you explain to your child
why. God is only as real to your kids as
your testimony.
Jealousy: A Preacher's Confession
It's not your fault that others are jealous
of you. Some people exist in silent
frustration with you because you make things
look easy or you have a way with words or
your spirit is gentle; no matter what,
certain folks only want to deal with you. At
some point, we have to realize that we are
playing for the same team. Our goal should
be to help edify God's people and build the
Kingdom. But, sometimes, we get distracted
by human weakness. God's strength is made
perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians
12:9). Our trials along the way exist only
to make us patient, sure, and secure in our
faith.
Boldness: A Preacher's Confession
My ministry is not a hobby. It is a bold
step to stand before God's people and
proclaim His word. It's bold because, in
effect, I realize that I'm also laying out
my study life before you. I'm laying out my
prayer life before you. Church folk, you
need to know that sometimes you are
belittling, and petty and demeaning and self
serving. And sometimes you really make a
preacher's life hell because you hold him to
a standard that you yourself refuse to live
up to. I love you but I'm tired of listening
to Christians balk at the lives of
preachers.
Failure: A Preacher's Confession
I thought it would never happen to me. That
I would never have to make a decision like
this. It never crossed my mind. I'm not
ashamed to tell you I messed up. Most people
just discuss the girl. But what about the
boy? For months, I hated myself. I couldn't
stand the sight of me in the mirror. I held
it together okay in front of people, but
late in the midnight hour, I was in pain.
This is for the young people because I want
you to know that I am human. I haven't
always been saved. I haven't always been a
preacher. I have however, always been human.
Subject to error, subject to frailties.
Ageism: A Preacher's Confession
I struggle with getting people to take me
seriously. And, I figure, if I have
problems, what about those even younger than
me who have more to say than I do? When do
they get their chance? What do they have to
do in order to be heard by their churches,
their leadership and their community? What
does it take for us to meet each other on
level ground without preconceived notions
and ideas?
Anger: A Preacher's Confession
“What do you do when living right don’t
work?” That’s what Bishop Jakes said once in
a sermon about silent frustration. I felt
deserted, cold and alone. Because I could
see saying no when you’ve come around one
too many times. I could see no when you
continue to ask for handouts. But, I didn’t
ask for a handout, I asked for a hand up
because I had no where else to go. I would
have worked off the benevolence or paid it
back. I was in a real jam, a real rock in a
hard place. I went home that evening after
being told no and— I kid you not— cried like
a baby. I just broke, and then I got livid.
I got pissed off and all I could do to
release was scream and holla out loud. And I
got to church on Sunday and felt like
everyone was looking at me and giggling
behind my back. I tried to worship, I tried
to give praise…but I felt angry. I felt
like, in a way, that I was being crucified.
That my self-worth was under attack, that my
faith was under attack, that my life had
been put on trial and was sentenced to
death. It was awful.
Privacy: A Preacher's Confession
I got hurt in a very public way, in a very
public relationship that never existed. She
thought one thing, I thought another. I
thought I was clear. I wasn't. The result,
embarrassment, hurt feelings, and the loss
of a friend. We speak, but not like we used
to. And that pains me. I'm not saying that
I'm the good guy. I don't have to be the
hero of the story. The reality is that once
I knew there was a fondness, I should've
acted more proactively to protect myself, to
protect my ministry and to protect her. I
didn't do that. I vowed that it would never
happen again..
Insecurity: A Preacher's Confession
I used to think that preachers were the
craziest people on Earth, until I became
one. Why do you constantly keep praying and
ministering and preaching and hoping for
people who really seem like they don't want
to be bothered? And when God called me to
the ministry, that's exactly what I asked
Him, “...Why?” Why can't somebody else go?
Why can't you use Brother Over There who
needs the call more than I do? Why can't You
use Sister That Everybody Loves? “Because, I
want you", He said. You have unique giftings
and abilities that will be an asset to me in
the very near future. That was January 1994.
By July of that year, I was sitting in a
service at New Life Church of all places
when He spoke to me again at the altar call
that evening. All He said was, “Your
time is drawing near, get ready for work.”
And suddenly, the Word of God opened up to
me like never before..
Channels
The Précis: Faith, Community, Hope.
In Color
Christian Culture in the African American
perspective, distributed to over 160,000
readers by the Colorado Springs Independent.
eStyle: Empowering Spiritual
Thinking In
Young Lives
A progressive and engaging online ministry
to youth and young adults, containing
proactive essays, bible studies, media
reviews and more.
Holla! At Neil Brown
A collection of sermons and no-holds barred
essays from a long-time minister to youth
and young adults dealing with issues
confronting teens and young adults.
Keeping It Real With Dr. Henry Johnson
A collection of sermons and essays from the
late Reverend Dr. Henry F. Johnson, a
teacher and pastor and founding partner of
PraiseNet.Org.
Brace Yourself By Joy Banks
A collection of proactive, in-your-face
studies engaging women's issues by Christian
Counselor Joy O. Banks.
Boys And Girls: Straight Talk About Sex
An unflinching examination of issues of love
and sexuality confronting teens and young
adults.
Except As Noted,
Text Copyright © 2001-2010
Neil Brown Ministries. All Rights Reserved.
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