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A Preacher's Confession Vol. 12

by Neil Brown

It happened one summer in July. Her mother's bedroom, her mother's bed, in fact. I lost my innocence, my purity, and my virginity. Not that I had such a tough time at it, but, every warm blooded boy wants to say goodbye to his boyhood; and is in a hurry to do so. People think that because I'm a minister, I have never made a mistake; like I've been a- goody-two-shoes all of my life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm a regular guy with regular experiences. I do hold a few regrets about some things in my past, but in order for me to deflower the perfect image I seem to have, let me tell you... She was my third girlfriend. We had been dating for a few months. We had gotten further each time we got together. Kissing to touching to petting to foreplay to oral to actual intercourse. What? I'm not ashamed to tell you. I did it, and I admit that I did it. I had pre-marital sex and I had a lot of it with this girl. Her mother would buy me condoms and allow it to happen in the house. She lived across the street from me in one of the cul-de-sacs. It was easy to sneak out. Wait until mom and dad were sound asleep and snoring, slip right out the front door and go across the street, come back in the wee hours of the morning; and no one is the wiser. I admired her mother. She knew what we were doing upstairs and downstairs. And she figured that maybe it was easier to embrace the fact that her teenage daughter was having sex with her boyfriend. And rather than let us go sneaking around to hotel rooms and lookout point, she figured she would offer her house.

And so, she sat down and spoke with us together in a frank discussion that I never would've gotten with my parents, she spilled out her expectations. Expectations that we would later violate, but she was upfront and honest. I wouldn't do it now, in hindsight, but it was a plan at the time. What teenage boy wouldn't want to have sex in the house of his girlfriend, and the mother is somewhere in the house knowing what's going on? That's a safe environment!

This lady understood that if we really wanted to have sex, we would find a way. And this is probably what shaped my ideas about sex. It was difficult at first, knowing that she was there. But, she'd offer sodas and dinner; a particular favorite of mine was spaghetti and catfish. I had a lot of dinner over there. My mother didn't always approve of this relationship. And so we decided to keep both of my parents out of the loop. We used to call mom “the warden” because she was so strict with me. There were times when she said no to going across the street. And it seemed stupid, but this is what you deal with as a teenager; thinking that mom and dad just don't get it.

But in hindsight, I realize that my parents loved me immensely and were not afraid to go to extremes to make sure that I was protected and sheltered and disciplined. I'm glad I had this type of upbringing it saved me from the craziness of the world around me. But the point that I'm trying to make parents is this: that if your child wants to do something bad enough, they will find a way. Things that are expressly forbidden become fruit we deem to be real tasty. It's like a dangling a carrot; we will chase it until we can catch it, taste it, eat it and digest it. It is critical then parents that if you tell your child no, that you explain to your child why. I know some of you think you are not accountable to your child in this way, but it is a matter of opening the lines of communication. One of the main reasons that young people fall into temptation is because parents are too embarrassed to talk to their children about their failures and experiences. Take the time ya'll it is well worth it later. CONTINUES BELOW

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Had my parents taken the time to discuss certain issues with me,

not just sex, what about balancing a checkbook, paying my bills on time, the real importance of credit and saving money; had I had these discussions, I wouldn't have had to learn by trial and error. I still may have made mistakes in these areas, but what if that would've made the difference in my decision making process? What if I had taken the time to think twice about some of the things that I'd done? Just remembering a simple talk with my parents. It is molding and shaping. It is crafting and putting on finishing touches. Making sure that when your child leaves your household, that they will not be culture shocked by the things you refused to expose them too. Do not let your child run buck wild at the first opportunity. Open your mouth and talk to your child. Sit down and have a meal with them. Have family time. Have mom and child or dad and child time. I turned out to be okay after all; but that's because of prayers and supplication on my behalf. Somebody interceded for me. I had folks to pull me aside and tell about life's real deal. I didn't get everything, but I got something, and that helped.

So the real issue about my sex life— you don't really want the gory details. The bottom line is for you is that you want to know what do I think about all of this now right? Okay here goes.

I believe that your child could be possibly having sex. And at this day and age, there are two things that will save your life: the bible and condoms. And please, please, please put some thought into the Bible you give them. Buying them whatever King James Version is on sale for $9.99 and tossing it at them is thoughtless and ultimately damaging to your purpose. The KJV is virtually impenetrable to a teen, and your indifference only reinforces the idea, for them, that God is an ancient, dusty relic. There are lots of fine teen Bibles out there. Take the time to find one that fits your kid. Then, don't just hand it to them, read it WITH them. Show them around God's word, help them to see His word is vivid and alive and it will take root in their hearts.

I believe that parents should tell you about their life and times. And I do mean all of the embarrassing stuff that you don't want anybody to know. If you were a teenage parent, tell them. If you had an STD, tell them. Let's protect our children. We can only do that with information and the sharing of our experiences with them. You cannot tell them your secrets after they do the same thing you do and realize the consequences after it's too late. Let's not do that to our children anymore. They should be able to talk to us about anything. There are things that shock young people too. We need to be able to help them identify things that do not line up with the word of God, which means that we need to know the word of God for ourselves.

If you really want to protect your children, then you should make sure your relationship with God is the priority in your life. That you are consistent, in church and out of it. God is only as real to your kids as your testimony. If they never see you pray, if you never pray with and for them, if you have no daily devotion, if your spiritual life is shaky or even shady, you can't possibly expect to be a moral beacon for them. If you have spent fifteen years abandoning them to the television, then those are the values you have imparted to them— the world's values. The world that is more concerned with biology than spirituality. That speaks of relationships rather than responsibility and self-discipline. If you've done that, you need to pray for the best but gird yourself for the worst.

The word of God tells us to be workmen that are able to rightly divide the word because if you can rightly divide, you can also wrongly divide it. We need to pray regularly. We need to read and study regularly. We need to share what we've gleaned regularly so that our children can have a firm foundation built on the chief cornerstone.

God can and will forgive us for being bad parents, but the damage is done. Forcing your kids into a model of prudish behavior after the act is a general waste of time. Your inconsistency has undermined your efforts to keep them pure. So, now, you can choose to put on blinders and pretend the problem does not exist (the solution far too many of our black churches employ these days— there is, literally, no teaching on sex or sexuality in our youth program), or you can seek God to reveal Himself fully in their lives while being practical and responsible about what you know—  and you do know—  your child is doing.

Please do not take any of this to mean that I condone sex before marriage, because I do not. I prefer to see young folks take this major step carefully and cautiously (and only after college, by the way). Furthermore, I'd prefer that you not have sex at all until you're married period. Make sure that you marry for love and not for sex or because it seems easier for the tax bracket. But, the fact is, even the most moral and obedient and sincere child is tempted, each and every day, to have sex. Tempted by other teens, tempted by peers, tempted by adults. If your teen has Internet access, she HAS seen images of people having sex. It really is that simple. Things you were perhaps sheltered from if only because you had to go to a store and buy a magazine are free and readily and aggressively available online. and the entire world is a wired place, now.

From the moment they wake up and turn on the radio, your kids are bombarded, all day, with sounds and images of people talking about sex, wanting sex, needing sex, idolizing sex, dressing sexy, looking sexy, brightening their teeth so they can have sex, flattening their stomachs or enlarging their breasts so they can have sex. Sex, in this world, equals money and because of that, it's big business to get your kid to lose their virginity. Fat kids with nappy hair and bad breath probably aren't going to have as much sex as skinny kids with ultra-bright teeth and the latest cell phone. This is evil. Evil. It's war, a war we are losing because we are too scared of ourselves to get into the fight. Shame on the parents too terrified or embarrassed to save their own child, and shame on the church that has no programs, no information, no support for teens during this, the most critical times of their lives.

We must do better. We simply have to do better than this.

Reverend Neil Brown
1 July 2004
holla@neilbrown.org

Part 8: Straight Talk To Teens About Sex


A Preacher's Confession

If your child wants to do something bad enough, they will find a way. Things that are expressly forbidden become fruit we deem to be real tasty. It's like a dangling a carrot; we will chase it until we can catch it, taste it, eat it and digest it. It is critical then parents that if you tell your child no, that you explain to your child why. God is only as real to your kids as your testimony.

Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don't share it with strangers.   —Proverbs 5: 16, 17

Audio

Fix It   Click Image To Play
Meditation by Neil M. Brown. Copyright © 2003 Neil Brown Ministries /
Helen Joyce Music. All rights reserved.

Not Everyone Walks Away

The Secret Disciple

A Place Called Gethsemane

I Just Want The Scraps

What Are We Going To Be?

Fix It

Excuse Me

Trouble Don't Last Always

Master Of My Storm

Love, Sex & The Whole Person

Home

Sex & The Single Christian

Part 2:  What The Bible Says

Part 3:  What The Bible Means

Part 4:  Sisters: How Not To Settle For Second Best

Part 5:  Christians And Masturbation

Part 6:  Teens And Sex

Part 7:  Sex: A Preacher's Confession

Part 8:  Boys & Girls: Straight Talk To Teens About Sex

The Mystery of Female Sexuality

In Search Of A Sister

Recent

Jealousy: A Preacher's Confession

It's not your fault that others are jealous of you. Some people exist in silent frustration with you because you make things look easy or you have a way with words or your spirit is gentle; no matter what, certain folks only want to deal with you. At some point, we have to realize that we are playing for the same team. Our goal should be to help edify God's people and build the Kingdom. But, sometimes, we get distracted by human weakness. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Our trials along the way exist only to make us patient, sure, and secure in our faith.

Anger: A Preacher's Confession

“What do you do when living right don’t work?” That’s what Bishop Jakes said once in a sermon about silent frustration. I felt deserted, cold and alone. Because I could see saying no when you’ve come around one too many times. I could see no when you continue to ask for handouts. But, I didn’t ask for a handout, I asked for a hand up because I had no where else to go. I would have worked off the benevolence or paid it back. I was in a real jam, a real rock in a hard place. I went home that evening after being told no and— I kid you not— cried like a baby. I just broke, and then I got livid. I got pissed off and all I could do to release was scream and holla out loud. And I got to church on Sunday and felt like everyone was looking at me and giggling behind my back. I tried to worship, I tried to give praise…but I felt angry. I felt like, in a way, that I was being crucified. That my self-worth was under attack, that my faith was under attack, that my life had been put on trial and was sentenced to death. It was awful.

Insecurity: A Preacher's Confession

I used to think that preachers were the craziest people on Earth, until I became one. Why do you constantly keep praying and ministering and preaching and hoping for people who really seem like they don't want to be bothered? And when God called me to the ministry, that's exactly what I asked Him, “...Why?” Why can't somebody else go? Why can't you use Brother Over There who needs the call more than I do? Why can't You use Sister That Everybody Loves? “Because, I want you", He said. You have unique giftings and abilities that will be an asset to me in the very near future. That was January 1994. By July of that year, I was sitting in a service at New Life Church of all places when He spoke to me again at the altar call that evening.  All He said was, “Your time is drawing near, get ready for work.” And suddenly, the Word of God opened up to me like never before..

Privacy: A Preacher's Confession

I got hurt in a very public way, in a very public relationship that never existed. She thought one thing, I thought another. I thought I was clear. I wasn't. The result, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and the loss of a friend. We speak, but not like we used to. And that pains me. I'm not saying that I'm the good guy. I don't have to be the hero of the story. The reality is that once I knew there was a fondness, I should've acted more proactively to protect myself, to protect my ministry and to protect her. I didn't do that. I vowed that it would never happen again..

Every Year In America

Factors That Increase Risk

Immaturity
Many younger adolescents are not particularly developed in their ability to think as adults until they reach 15 or 16 years of age. At 12, 13, or 14 years old, adolescents are generally incapable of making decisions based on a reasoned understanding of the future consequences of their actions. Their brains have yet to develop the connections that allow them to think that way. Teens at this stage live much more in the moment than do older teens or adults. Adolescents often do not connect the actual act of intercourse with the real possibility of having a baby nine months later. This inability to perceive future consequences of current behavior is called cognitive immaturity.

Personal Myth
As part of growing up mentally, adolescents, especially early adolescents, experience what has been called a personal myth. This means that these teens feel as if they have special protection from risky behaviors and that bad consequences won’t happen to them. Fortunately, most of us grow out of this way of thinking by middle adolescence when we start getting more freedom from parental control. If the early adolescents who think this way do not have adequate supervision from parents and are not protected by some of the factors mentioned above, they will be at much higher risk for the onset of sexual activity with all of its consequences.

Low self-esteem
Girls who have low self-esteem or who are depressed may engage in sexual activity as a way of trying to make themselves feel better. Girls who have parents who are distracted or depressed may also feel the need to seek warmth and nurturing through sexual liaisons. Girls who abuse alcohol or drugs may not make very good choices about sex and contraception. And girls who do not have an effective male role model during their early and mid-adolescent years also may be vulnerable to the attentions of older men from whom these girls seek “fathering” as much as they seek romance and intimacy. These older men, however, are usually not motivated altruistically. They enter these relationships frequently because they find a younger woman easier to control. Some of these girls also are prey to men who want to prove to themselves that they are capable of fathering a child. We do know that on the average, the fathers of babies born to teen moms are at least four years older than the girls. So most of these men are adults, not teens.

Another factor putting girls at risk is lack of knowledge about how to avoid having sex and about contraception if they choose to have sex.

Wanted pregnancy
Finally, some girls get pregnant because they really want to. Some want to get pregnant in order to make their partners happy. Some girls carry the mistaken belief that the babies will give them love and nurturance. And some want to get pregnant because they see other girls in their social circles getting increased attention and what seems to them increased material benefit by being mothers. These girls tend not to have a real understanding of the negatives of adolescent parenthood.

Adolescent Pregnancy
by Robert T. Brown, MD

How Far Is "Too Far"?

Q: How far is “too far”?

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
—I Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT

See, me and Paul are probably on the same page about this. Paul wanted every believer to remain single so he or she could focus their entire attention on serving God and ministry [I Cor 7:1-9]. See, once you start doing the “I love you” bit, your loyalties become divided. Your responsibility becomes about family and your energy and productivity becomes focused on providing for them. Single people, on the other hand, are freer to devote more of themselves exclusively to God and for His purpose.

Sexual intimacy—whether or not actual intercourse is involved—is a lot like playing with fire. And that’s the reason most parents are so wigged out about this and suffer greatly in trying to prevent their children from being alone with the opposite sex. Other than our instinct to survive, our instinct to reproduce is likely the most powerful drive we have. It’s the kind of force that overrides our logic and common sense and moves us to a point where we absolutely have no other choice but to surrender to it. It’s the kind of thing that is difficult to explain to young people because, in our youth there is also arrogance. When you think your fifteen years of wisdom is more credible than your grandmother’s seventy, that’s simply arrogance. Listen to grandma. She knows her stuff.

Most of us are here, on this planet, because of arrogance. Because of youth lying to us about how far is too far. Because we start playing games with and compromising our ethics, which is terribly disrespectful of God. Of God’s will for us and of God’s law and the majesty and power of God’s creation. Soon as we start to think we know better than Grandma, ultimately we start thinking that we know better than God, and we inch closer and closer toward lines we should not cross.

If you’re alone with your boo, Usher on the iPod and candles flickering, you should probably take a minute and think, really think, about all the boos that have come before. Guys you’re not even speaking to. Girls who are now stalking you and making your life miserable. But, in your immaturity and arrogance, you stupidly believe, no, this is the one. This guy. This girl, won’t turn out to be a mistake like all the others.

That’s simple immaturity. And women do this most especially. Women from twelve to a hundred and twelve have this faulty, selective memory that leads them to continue to roll the dice with Stymie in the hopes of finally finding true love. In their immaturity and arrogance, they won’t trust God, who tells us in His word that true love waits. They won’t believe or trust the scripture that tells us real love is patient and doesn’t demand its own way.

If you could visit your past self and un-do some of the things you’ve done, not be with some of the people you’ve been with, how many intimate relationships would you un-do?

Sex is a lot like eating. Many of us need to lose weight and we promise ourselves, over and over, to put down the Twinkie and the fried chicken. But, try as we do, sooner or later, our favorite dishes just start calling to us, talking to us. We are creatures of weakness, made strong, made perfect, only through a relationship with Christ. That’s what the term “justified” means. It has nothing to do with justice, it means “complete.” That God has filled in those gaps, His Spirit completing those areas where we fall short. And through His power, we are able to resist temptation, turn down that Twinkie.

But few of us invite the Holy Spirit into our bedrooms. Like our natural father, we’re embarrassed to discuss our sex lives with our spiritual Father. So we cordon off this area of our lives and try and go it alone. And write into websites asking “how far is too far?” which, face it, is like looking for an instruction manual or permission to do what we want to do anyway.

The textbook definition of dysfunction is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. There are men and boys who have had their hands on you, who have been inside you, that you wish had never happened. There are women who have seduced you, girls who have manipulated you, that you wish had never happened. People who have exploited your weakness and taken advantage of your kindness. And yet you never seem to learn the lesson. You can’t stop yourself from repeating these patterns and giving up the goods outside of the covenant God ordained for such things.

The most precious gift God offers us is wisdom. And that, unfortunately, comes with time. With perspective. When there are fewer days ahead than there are behind, we can look back and realize how short, how terribly short, life really is. And how much of that precious gift of life we’ve wasted on these ultimately meaningless relationships.

All of which rather ducks the question, doesn’t it?


I don’t think God wants us to live like monks.
But I don’t think God wants us to be used, either. No father wants to even contemplate some callow boy penetrating his daughter and then dumping her. How much more, then, does God suffer when we do stupid things, when we leave pieces of ourselves all over town? When we undermine our self-worth and our ability to function for Him because we gave into human weakness? Something we never have to do because He left His Holy Spirit to be our Comforter and Counselor. But we, in our immaturity, in our arrogance, continue to cordon off areas in our lives we’re either too embarrassed to talk to God about or where we simply believe we know better.

If it was up to me, holding hands would be too far. I mean, how far should we allow a six-year old to go with a pack of matches? I think this is, ultimately, a question for God. How far can you go and keep your self-respect? When you see that boy in church, all you’re going to remember is that he’s seen you in your underwear—or less—and that his hands and fingers have been places on and inside you, and now it’s over and he’s passing you like you don’t even exist. And people at church, at school, are snickering and pointing and now your mind is not on God or His kingdom or His righteousness because, even though you still consider yourself a “virgin,” the truth is you’ve crossed a line that cannot be un-crossed, and the enemy has won a victory in that he’s taken away just enough of your purity, just enough of your holiness, to undermine your usefulness to God—which was his plan all along.

The answer to these things is simpler than you can imagine: ask God. When you’re alone with him, when you’re alone with her, take Usher off and put on Yolanda Adams or J Moss. Don’t exclude God from your intimacy. Before all the kissing and touching and unzipping and so forth, pray. I know it sounds nuts, right? You and your partner pray, invoke the presence of the Holy Spirit, seek His protection and, yes, His conviction about things you shouldn’t be doing. And keep the line open. Too many times we close with “Amen,” when we should keep the line open, forget the “Amen,” and simply leave the phone off the hook all day, leave the connection open. Let God watch what happens between you two.

Any activity you cannot invite God into, any activity you cannot ask God’s blessing on, is an activity you should not be doing. It’s really that simple. How far is too far? Anything that takes you even one inch away from God is too far. Lord bless this kissing, this touching, this fondling. Sounds ridiculous? Sure. But, if you can’t take God with you into your intimate activity, then that, my friend, is the very definition of “too far.”


     

Except As Noted, Text Copyright © 2001-2010 Neil Brown Ministries. All Rights Reserved.

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