A Preacher's Confession Vol. 13
by Neil Brown
Can
I expose for you the bitter truth that preachers can be jealous
of one another? Is it ok if I bust that bubble of perfection
that you have of us? Is it ok that I make us real again and
humanize the people that you depend on for preachment each
Sunday? It has taken years, literally, years to really get over
this. It happened to me when I was really digging into preaching
and trying to get better at delivery and oratorical skills and
depth. I decided to work in a prison ministry with another
associate minister at one of my former churches here in the
city. Being brand new to preaching, I wanted to be the best that
I could at it, and the only way to do that, other than preaching
in the bathroom mirror, was to actually do it.
So, I figured that doing the prison ministry would be a standing
engagement that would make me have to prepare a sermon. We also
went one day a week for a bible study. Further preparation.
Study, prayer, development and construction, oratory, getting
used to standing in front of people, fielding questions and
being put on the spot, etc. And that worked and helped to create
disciplines that I needed in order to succeed at my calling and
desire to be the best I could be. I think every preacher should
have to go through the rigors of prison ministry.
Little did I know, or even realize that this methodology was
working. I started to see more preaching engagements and the
pastor would ask me regularly to speak at church. Combine that
with the choir directing at a church with a pastor in demand and
a youth choir growing by leaps and bounds, and suddenly, you
have an issue that you never knew existed.
As fate would have it, there was another preacher on staff, also
fairly new, and making a big splash in town. He’d begun his
preaching ministry a few months ahead of me. Now, let me
preface...I do not claim to be so great. I do not claim to be
the hero of any story, but, these confessions are about my
experiences and are truth to me and gleanings that I want to
share with you. Now, that said...he began a few months ahead of
me. I did not know until we were going through a pastoral
transition that he even had a problem with me.
I had noticed that as we went along, that he wasn't at church as
much anymore. He wasn't hanging out with the pastor as much
either because they were inseparable. I was being asked to speak
a bit more, or in some cases, we would be on the same program at
different services. He was used to *headlining* the main, but,
was now getting the early services. I honestly thought nothing
of it....no, really, nothing at all.
CONTINUES BELOW
Joseph's brother were actually step-brothers.
These young men were sons of Jacob (now called Israel's
additional wives. I'm sure Israel loved all of his sons, but
Joseph was born late in life and the old man doted on him,
giving Joseph this very expensive coat "of many colors."
It's important to note, in those days, you could not just run
down to Burlington's and pick something like that up. The coat
had to be sewn by hand and took a very long time to make. It's
brilliance made Joseph stand out everywhere he went and the coat
represented his father's love for him. Although blood relatives,
his brothers really weren't his brothers. They were jealous of
him. They hated him. And they plotted to kill Joseph, but
instead sold him into slavery. That was their idea of mercy as
they exacted revenge on Joseph for simply being who he was.
I didn't have a coat. Or fancy rings or any of that. What I did
have was brothers. Especially this certain brother raised in
ministry with me. I discovered that there was a problem as we were going through
pastoral transition. It was during this time that my friend grew
a bit more bold with his actions. Like, he would get up and walk
out of rooms when I arrived. He would stare at me with contempt
in his eyes. He would be talking in a space and when I would
step in to join, he would stop talking altogether, which leads
you to think that he is talking about you.
During this time, the church settled on a new pastor. I recall,
when he came to visit after getting the official call from the
church, he pulled me aside and told me after directing the choir
that he appreciated my spirit and looked forward to working with
me when arrived full time in three months. What I did not know
was that the other minister had obtained his number and had been
in constant contact with the new pastor.
Three months later, when the new pastor arrived, of course, mom
and I went to the parsonage to welcome the new pastoral family
and see if there was anything that they needed. What I noticed
right away was that the other minister was already there. I also
noticed that, in speaking with the new pastor, he was dismissive
and abrupt. Not only to me, but, also to my mother. I chalked it
up to moving and the stress of getting settled into a new place,
a new state, a new church and a new flock. Seemed right didn't
it? But, this behavior went on for months. A sharp increase in
the other minister preaching and a sharp decrease in mine. Now,
let me again inform you, that I still had the preaching
engagement at the prison once every month, so, I'm not tripping
over preaching time anywhere. In fact, I understand that the
pulpit belongs to the pastor and that he is able to do with it
whatever he wishes. He extends his hand as he wants to as he is
the Angel of the house.
I cannot tell you that it didn't hurt being treated like a
misfit, though. Like I was gum under their shoes. They would
come to church dressed alike. Meaning, same color suits. Going
to lunch together. Being at each other's houses for dinner.
Things not happening with any other minister on staff. I prayed
and prayed because, to some degree, I thought that it was just
me. Like I had done something to earn this kind of treatment. So
I asked God not to make it better, not to move me, but to do His
will in my life. I asked him to increase my discernment so I
could be sensitive to the spirit working within me and others. I
asked God to reveal true character so I would know who I was
trusting...uh oh. He delivered on that prayer. Within weeks, I
began to see things happening. I began to see my fellow minister
for who he was...an opportunist.
The bible story goes on to record that Joseph ended up in Egypt.
First as a servant, then, ultimately, as a ruler. His
faithfulness to God was rewarded and, just as Joseph had once
dreamed, his brothers did indeed arrive in Egypt and bow before
him. God's plan for his life could not be deterred or denied by
the hand of man. And, although Joseph had every reason and, some
would say, every right to hate his brothers, he showed them
love, mercy and compassion. Hatred is weakness. Jealousy is
weakness. We can't help the fact that we're surrounded by weak
people whose insecurity manifests itself in hateful behavior.
But we can find the strength, through Christ, to love them.
Within 6 months, God had moved me beyond the craziness and into
another church. He (God) told me that this particular church was
going to go through an upheaval and that I needed to leave. I
submitted my resignation letter directly to the pastor. Little
did I know that other members of the congregation had read that
letter and the news began circulating quickly. I had given a
specified date that I would depart, but, in a couple days, I got
a letter from the pastor letting me know that I did not need to
stay the three months and that he was releasing me as of the
receipt of his letter.
Chaos broke out!!! Membership began asking questions. membership
began demanding that he rescind his letter, make an appointment
and get my name back on the roll. He buckled under the pressure.
I took the meeting and explained things that I was seeing in the
church that seemed suspect in terms of behavior.
He explained that he been told things about me that caused great
concern. That he was not sure how to talk to me. Of course, I
had to ask....Pastor, what were you told about me? He had been
told that I was one to watch out for. That I was arrogant. That
I was *favored* in the congregation. And that I thought that I
should have been the next pastor, not him. WOW.....
So, the pastor had taken what he had heard as gospel, but,
didn't bother to investigate, ask or pray about it. He harshly
criticized me at every opportunity, killed my national
opportunity of teaching in the National Baptist convention and
told other pastors that I would not be available for preaching
engagements or anything else until he was satisfied that I had
been humbled. He apologized for all of that and I forgave it
all. We talked further and I agreed to hang on ‘til at least the
specified date on my letter. I did tell him that he had work to
do to gain my trust of him because of how I had been treated,
but, that I harbored no ill feelings.
He saw, now, that he had been played by an associate minister
who was jealous of my ministry. As much as I would have liked
to, I never confronted him about his issues with me. He went on
to pastor and travel, good for him. I never looked back. When I
move on, I move on.
I would later discover this preacher had told other members of
the church and other ministers this as well. Everything came out
after the meeting with the pastor and many believed my departure
was because of the jealousy of this man. But, none of them told
me personally. It was some sort of gossip. it was some sort of
secret.
So this confession finds me still scratching my head and going,
“Err???”
I don't live in jealousy like that. But I now understand there
are people who don't like you because you're you. You don't have
to do anything special but be you. Sometimes how you carry
yourself, sometimes how you pray, sometimes just how you show up
and are perceived by others makes you a target for jealousy.
It's not your fault that others are jealous of you. Some people
exist in silent frustration with you because you make things
look easy or you have a way with words or your spirit is gentle;
no matter what, certain folks only want to deal with you. At
some point, we have to realize that we are playing for the same
team. Our goal should be to help edify God's people and build
the Kingdom. But, sometimes, we get distracted in our human
experience.
You would never think that you would have to deal with this in
the church. But, we can be so frail with our emotions in dealing
with our ministries we end up doing damage that takes people
years to get over. It can shake a person's confidence in
themselves and their calling, making them dangerous to the body
because they do not walk in the authority of that calling. Why
would you damage someone like that? I'm not saying we do this
intentionally, but, we can often be like a bucket of crabs.
We are supposed to stir up each other unto every good word and
work, not tear apart. I suppose that this further goes to
demonstrate that we are human and that we make mistakes and hurt
each other without even realizing it. I forgave that preacher
for stabbing me. But it didn't just hurt my back, it hurt my
heart. It made it a little harder for me to trust preachers. It
made it even harder for me to trust the next couple of pastors I
had to work with. It made it more difficult for me to trust
laity. Because, while I believe in the inherent goodness of
people, I end up waiting for them to disappoint me in some way.
I know, that's not right, but, it's the truth. And I know that,
if I feel like this, so do others. Folks who have been stabbed
in the heart while trying to do ministry without restraint and
without being labeled. Trying to be pure in motive and in deed.
In
the end, Joseph got the opportunity for closure,
having a little fun with his brothers when they came to Egypt
during a great famine. Joseph recognized his brothers but his
brothers hadn't seen Joseph since he was a boy and did not
recognize him. When Joseph revealed himself to them, they were
sorrowful and penitent, but Joseph forgave them and the family
all moved to Egypt. Queue music. Roll credits.
Life today is a bit harder. I haven't seen my fellow minister in
a long time. I suppose, on some level, I still deal with what
happened way back when, but I am over it and him. I've learned,
over time, that there are things we can handle and things we
can't. Those things we can't belong to God, and I certainly pray
my former friend has been delivered from his insecurity and
jealousy.
So, I resolve to try to see the best in everyone and give them
the benefit of the doubt. I resolve to be more cautious with
their feelings and sensitive to their ministry because they have
effect on people that I may not and I realize that tampering
with their ability to feel confident doing and executing their calling
can cause them to stumble or even damage someone else.
Neil M. Brown
9 May 2010
holla@neilbrown.org
A Preacher's Confession
It's not your fault that others are jealous
of you. Some people exist in silent
frustration with you because you make things
look easy or you have a way with words or
your spirit is gentle; no matter what,
certain folks only want to deal with you. At
some point, we have to realize that we are
playing for the same team. Our goal should
be to help edify God's people and build the
Kingdom. But, sometimes, we get distracted
by human weakness. God's strength is made
perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians
12:9). Our trials along the way exist only
to make us patient, sure, and secure in our
faith.
This is the story
of Jacob. The story continues with
Joseph, seventeen years old at the time,
helping out his brothers in herding the
flocks. These were his half brothers
actually, the sons of his father's wives
Bilhah and Zilpah. And Joseph brought his
father bad reports on them. 3 Israel loved
Joseph more than any of his other sons
because he was the child of his old age. And
he made him an elaborately embroidered coat.
4 When his brothers realized that their
father loved him more than them, they grew
to hate him - they wouldn't even speak to
him. 5 Joseph had a dream. When he told it
to his brothers, they hated him even more. 6
He said, "Listen to this dream I had. 7 We
were all out in the field gathering bundles
of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood
straight up and your bundles circled around
it and bowed down to mine." 8 His brothers
said, "So! You're going to rule us? You're
going to boss us around?" And they hated him
more than ever because of his dreams and the
way he talked. 9 He had another dream and
told this one also to his brothers: "I
dreamed another dream - the sun and moon and
eleven stars bowed down to me!" 10 When he
told it to his father and brothers, his
father reprimanded him: "What's with all
this dreaming? Am I and your mother and your
brothers all supposed to bow down to you?"
11 Now his brothers were really jealous; but
his father brooded over the whole business.
12 His brothers had gone off to Shechem
where they were pasturing their father's
flocks. 13 Israel said to Joseph, "Your
brothers are with flocks in Shechem. Come, I
want to send you to them." Joseph said, "I'm
ready." 14 He said, "Go and see how your
brothers and the flocks are doing and bring
me back a report." He sent him off from the
valley of Hebron to Shechem. 15 A man met
him as he was wandering through the fields
and asked him, "What are you looking for?"
16 "I'm trying to find my brothers. Do you
have any idea where they are grazing their
flocks?" 17 The man said, "They've left
here, but I overheard them say, 'Let's go to
Dothan.'" So Joseph took off, tracked his
brothers down, and found them in Dothan. 18
They spotted him off in the distance. By the
time he got to them they had cooked up a
plot to kill him. 19 The brothers were
saying, "Here comes that dreamer. 20 Let's
kill him and throw him into one of these old
cisterns; we can say that a vicious animal
ate him up. We'll see what his dreams amount
to." 21 Reuben heard the brothers talking
and intervened to save him, "We're not going
to kill him. 22 No murder. Go ahead and
throw him in this cistern out here in the
wild, but don't hurt him." Reuben planned to
go back later and get him out and take him
back to his father. 23 When Joseph reached
his brothers, they ripped off the fancy coat
he was wearing, 24 grabbed him, and threw
him into a cistern. The cistern was dry;
there wasn't any water in it. 25 Then they
sat down to eat their supper. Looking up,
they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites on their
way from Gilead, their camels loaded with
spices, ointments, and perfumes to sell in
Egypt. 26 Judah said, "Brothers, what are we
going to get out of killing our brother and
concealing the evidence? 27 Let's sell him
to the Ishmaelites, but let's not kill him -
he is, after all, our brother, our own flesh
and blood." His brothers agreed. 28 By that
time the Midianite traders were passing by.
His brothers pulled Joseph out of the
cistern and sold him for twenty pieces of
silver to the Ishmaelites who took Joseph
with them down to Egypt.
. —Genesis 37
Audio
Fix It
Click Image To Play
Meditation by Neil M. Brown. Copyright © 2003 Neil Brown Ministries /
Helen Joyce Music. All rights reserved.
Not Everyone Walks Away
The Secret Disciple
A Place Called Gethsemane
I Just Want The Scraps
What Are We Going To Be?
Fix It
Excuse Me
Trouble Don't Last Always
Master Of My Storm
Related
Anger: A Preacher's Confession
“What do you do when living right don’t
work?” That’s what Bishop Jakes said once in
a sermon about silent frustration. I felt
deserted, cold and alone. Because I could
see saying no when you’ve come around one
too many times. I could see no when you
continue to ask for handouts. But, I didn’t
ask for a handout, I asked for a hand up
because I had no where else to go. I would
have worked off the benevolence or paid it
back. I was in a real jam, a real rock in a
hard place. I went home that evening after
being told no and— I kid you not— cried like
a baby. I just broke, and then I got livid.
I got pissed off and all I could do to
release was scream and holla out loud. And I
got to church on Sunday and felt like
everyone was looking at me and giggling
behind my back. I tried to worship, I tried
to give praise…but I felt angry. I felt
like, in a way, that I was being crucified.
That my self-worth was under attack, that my
faith was under attack, that my life had
been put on trial and was sentenced to
death. It was awful.
Insecurity: A Preacher's Confession
I used to think that preachers were the
craziest people on Earth, until I became
one. Why do you constantly keep praying and
ministering and preaching and hoping for
people who really seem like they don't want
to be bothered? And when God called me to
the ministry, that's exactly what I asked
Him, “...Why?” Why can't somebody else go?
Why can't you use Brother Over There who
needs the call more than I do? Why can't You
use Sister That Everybody Loves? “Because, I
want you", He said. You have unique giftings
and abilities that will be an asset to me in
the very near future. That was January 1994.
By July of that year, I was sitting in a
service at New Life Church of all places
when He spoke to me again at the altar call
that evening. All He said was, “Your
time is drawing near, get ready for work.”
And suddenly, the Word of God opened up to
me like never before..
Privacy: A Preacher's Confession
I got hurt in a very public way, in a very
public relationship that never existed. She
thought one thing, I thought another. I
thought I was clear. I wasn't. The result,
embarrassment, hurt feelings, and the loss
of a friend. We speak, but not like we used
to. And that pains me. I'm not saying that
I'm the good guy. I don't have to be the
hero of the story. The reality is that once
I knew there was a fondness, I should've
acted more proactively to protect myself, to
protect my ministry and to protect her. I
didn't do that. I vowed that it would never
happen again..
Channels
The Précis: Faith, Community, Hope.
In Color
Christian Culture in the African American
perspective, distributed to over 160,000
readers by the Colorado Springs Independent.
eStyle: Empowering Spiritual
Thinking In
Young Lives
A progressive and engaging online ministry
to youth and young adults, containing
proactive essays, bible studies, media
reviews and more.
Holla! At Neil Brown
A collection of sermons and no-holds barred
essays from a long-time minister to youth
and young adults dealing with issues
confronting teens and young adults.
Keeping It Real With Dr. Henry Johnson
A collection of sermons and essays from the
late Reverend Dr. Henry F. Johnson, a
teacher and pastor and founding partner of
PraiseNet.Org.
Brace Yourself By Joy Banks
A collection of proactive, in-your-face
studies engaging women's issues by Christian
Counselor Joy O. Banks.
Boys And Girls: Straight Talk About Sex
An unflinching examination of issues of love
and sexuality confronting teens and young
adults.
The
Circle Broken
Many black churches experience a great
deal of turnover as congregants stay long
enough to build relationships that
ultimately come crashing down as alliances
and agendas shift, or as people begin to
feel threatened by new ideas or new people.
Many people move through an ongoing cycle of
going from church to church, forming and
then severing bonds with extended families
as they repeat an endless loop of finding
happiness and common ground, only to have
those relationships sour. The Reverend Neil
Brown, Youth Minister of Trinity Missionary
Baptist Church (and author of the PraiseNet
column, Holla! at Neil Brown) put it this
way, “Relationships are like milk in the
fridge,” Neil says. “You've got to maintain
them. You've got to keep them from going
sour. You've got to watch those expiration
dates.”
Some relationships do, indeed, have
expiration dates. And, in attempting to be a
grownup, I have frequently labored with some
people longer and gone farther than I should
have. When a relationship becomes toxic, and
you have exhausted avenues of fixing the
problem, then, yeah, it's time to pull the
plug. The fact is, you can often find
yourself being in a relationship with
someone who is not in a relationship with
you. Being worried about someone who is
never apparently worried about you.
Constantly giving to someone who only seems
to be taking from you.
These kinds of people are often classified
as narcissists. Most of them never realize
this is, in fact, what they are doing–
taking without giving and draining your good
will and your Christian love without giving
anything in return. Relationships should,
ideally, be a two-way street. Sometimes I
pick up the check, sometimes you pick up the
check. Relationships should be like Social
Security: you pay into the system over the
years and it should be there when you need
it. Imagine the disappointment, the hurt, we
suffer when finally it is our turn to lean
on someone we've been propping up for ten
years, only to discover they are not there
for us.
Being friends with someone who is not being
a friend to you is not a healthy
relationship. It is more like co-dependence,
where you are getting some kind of narcotic
hit out of being this person's doormat, and
they are getting a buzz out of your
continued servitude. That is not a
relationship worth maintaining because it is
not a relationship at all, and you are being
less of a friend to that person as an
enabler: someone who feeds this person the
narcotic they need to stay in this
un-Christ-like state. More often than not,
these narcissists are the ones who are so
innately insecure that they will drop you
like a bad habit the moment you stop
providing their narcotic. They will
invalidate years of servitude (let's call it
what it is) on your part over the smallest
perceived slight on your part. At the first
sign of your asserting your own
individuality over their voracious need for
validation, they'll bolt and burn the
relationship. These are people who can
routinely use and abuse you, then exclude
you or otherwise take advantage of you—
routinely doing you gross emotional harm—
and will inevitably end the relationship
before they will admit their wrongs or
apologize for them. The fact is, narcissists
are, for the most part, incapable of even
seeing how self-absorbed they are, have no
concept at all of the damage they routinely
inflict on you, or the failing grade they
earn as a friend. These are people so
wounded, so damaged, so incredibly insecure,
apologizing would cause them to burst into
flames.
These are people who poison and eventually
destroy one relationship after another and
it's never their fault. You buy these folks
a cup of coffee and they complain and
complain and can never see the historical
record of car wreck and house fires they
have caused over the years, or the fact that
their circle of friends seems to always be
peopled by comparatively new acquaintances.
They have few, if any, friends in their
inner circle whom they have known longer
than five years. If your circle of
acquaintance consists mainly of people
you've known five years or less (and you're
older than, say, ten), then you have a
relationship problem. It really is that
simple. People certainly grow apart, and
lives move on, but there is, to my
observation, an increasingly pervasive
problem within the black church community of
rapidly-changing alliances and friends quick
to burn bridges and trash relationships over
petty differences.
To be sure, some relationships should be
ended. I mean, the above mentioned
“friendship” is no friendship at all. It's
just me with this movie running through my
head where these people are my friends. But
they're not my friends, they're their
friends. I don't exist as an individual but
only as an extension of their narcissism.
Reconciling narcissism and Christianity is a
tough task. Christ could hardly be thought
of as a narcissist. He was divinely aware of
the individual beauty and purpose of each
individual in His orbit. He accepted people
as He found them. He didn't write anybody
off. I have to stop and ask myself what I'm
getting out of these relationships, out of
expending energy and time going out of my
way to make them feel secure, when they are
barely aware of my very existence.
I had this dream once where I was cooking
dinner and, as I waited for my friend to
arrive, I started tidying up the house. And,
as I tidied the house, I suddenly realized–
she wasn't coming. I just instinctively knew
it. The phone would eventually ring and
she'd have some excuse, but she wasn't
coming over. And, it was as if I heard God
ask me, Why are you cooking dinner for
people who are not coming?
We need to stop cooking dinner for people
who are not coming. Those of us who can
maintain relationships need to stop enabling
those who can't: people who trade us like
baseball cards and dismiss us when we no
longer serve a useful function in their
lives. People who take us, our unique
purpose on Earth, and our special-ness for
granted, choosing only to use us as fuel for
their chronic self-absorption. Joy Banks,
Minister of Music at King Solomon Baptist
Church and a master's candidate in
Counseling, asked me, “Yeah, but look here:
Who's cooking dinner for you? You're so busy
cooking for everybody else, but who's
looking out for you?”
Jesus teaches us to espouse a kind of godly
selflessness and humility, but Joy told me
Jesus never intended us to cease to exist,
or to exhaust our resources and our lives
indulging the whims of narcissists. In fact,
our Christian duty is to not enable
un-Christ-like behavior. Part of learning
how to maintain healthy relationships is the
process of pruning unhealthy ones from our
lives, as the unhealthy relationships will,
certainly, choke out the healthy ones.
Christopher J. Priest
22 November 2002
editor@praisenet.org
Except As Noted, Text Copyright © 2001-2010
Neil Brown Ministries. All Rights Reserved.
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