Part 4: How Not To Settle For Second Best
by Joy O. Banks
Can you imagine being called a dog and then, after that humiliation, you beg the person that called you a dog for the crumbs off his table? I don't think so. You know how some people boast about how much better they would have handled a particular situation? Well, if I were the Gentile woman, I probably would have flunked this test of faith hands down. First of all, my left hand would have landed on my left hip while my right hand was waving with my index finger extended in conjunction with my neck rolling. The sista-girl-friend in me would have tripped and I probably would have said something like, “Hold on Jesus, I got your dog!” I know y'all are saying that I need to be anointed with Crisco shortening so it will stick. Hey, I'm honest. I know I would have had an attitude in that situation. And you know that I'm not the only one who would have tripped. Tell the truth and shame the devil. I also know I would have been offended in Matthew 15 verse 23, when Jesus wouldn't speak. Jesus gave her no reply-not even a word. That's cold!
Think
about it and put yourself in that woman's situation.
Here you are, begging for Jesus to heal your daughter and He
won't even speak. How many times have we talked about somebody
at church for not speaking? I can hear it now, “Chile, she
wouldn't even speak to me when I walked in church with my
slammin' new outfit on, she was green with envy”. I have to give
the Gentile woman all the props, because her faith was all that
and then some. Each time I've read Matthew 15:23-27, I got the
feeling that Jesus was being portrayed as a prejudiced bigot.
But, like the Gentile woman, I am going to look past the
portrayal of prejudice and concentrate on something more
important: the persistence and faith of the Gentile woman.
In the end, the Gentile woman got what she asked for (her
daughter was healed of the demon) and she was truly blessed. So
I will look past my sometimes toe-up attitude and focus on how
this biblical example transfers to today's life lesson.
The Gentile woman settling for the crumbs from the Master's
table is one thing. But today, we settle for the crumbs off the
table of man, and that is another thing altogether. God's crumb
is all we need. Yet He has so much more for us if we are willing
to wait on him and do what he says. We need to stop settling for
the leftovers and crumbs from man and concentrate on what God
really wants for our lives.
You may ask why do so many of us just settle for the crumbs from
man. I say, because we want instant gratification. We live in a
society that does not want to wait or deny itself anything
[Matt16-24: Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man
will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross,
and follow me (KJV)]. We've got fast food, instant coffee
and tea, instant messenger, instant e-mail and the list goes on.
We'd rather settle for a Scooby snack than work through a
problem, be patient, have faith, or work toward important goals.
We need persistence and faith to achieve more than a Scooby
snack from life.
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Let me clarify myself.
I'll take a Scooby snack any day of the week from the Master's table. Let's face it; crumbs from the Master's table are worth licking, lapping, and begging in behind. I'm talking about the crumbs from the Lord Jesus, Savior of the world, God made flesh, King of kings, and Lord of lords table. However, I am NOT talking about accepting crumbs from that no count slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am brotha that you are not married to but try to treat like your husband. Yes I went there. So many times we accept the leftovers and crumbs off the table of ordinary men and we grin from ear to ear about that little crumb, and we lick and lap, smack our teeth like we just finished a gourmet delight. It is time to dine at the table and stop accepting the crumbs of men. No more crumbs!
Too many times I have talked to or counseled intelligent Christian women who come crying to me because they can't get a man, a man has hurt them, he is unfaithful, or he has left them for another woman. These are Christian women who are, most of the time, on fire for Jesus. No. I am not talking about a Hoochie woman, whose only reason to go to church is to find a man. I'm talking about women who have gifts in the areas of preaching and teaching. They sing in the choir, serve on the usher board, help in the nursery, on the Pastor's committee, and serve in various other ministries in the church. Yet these women have “man on the brain.” They feel they need a man to complete them. They are looking to get their groove on, or looking to get their groove back, and many times they don't see that they are compromising themselves in order to get or keep a man.
Many times we start settling for crumbs on the first
date. We may be impressed with our date for the wrong reason. For example, our eyes light up when he sends a limo with champagne and roses, we get excited when he picks up the check and buys us diamonds. Understand this, Christian
woman: you are a child of the Most High God, a member of a royal priesthood. You deserve every good thing that any man can do for you. I don't care what you used to do. I don't care where you came from. I don't care who abused you. God wants the best for you and, as soon as you realize that, you can start reaching for the best in life.
Yeah we all want a man/husband who will wine and dine us. But it is more important that he is your best friend, he is committed to you, he communicates, he shares with you, he is honest, and ultimately, that he loves you so much that he is willing to lay down his life for you. Married
women are sometimes overly impressed when our husbands do a little yard work, wash a dish or two, cook a meal, or baby-sit his
own children. God says that our husbands should be willing to die for us. [Ephesians 5:25.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it
(KJV)]. I know that some Christian men would protest and say
that they don't have to literally die for their wives. All I say
is, Jesus did. Jesus died on the cross for the church and thus,
a husband should love his wife enough that he is willing to die
for her. Now how does doing yard work and washing a dish stack
up against dying for you?
We settled for less than we deserve because we don't want to deny ourselves. We want fast food, instant messenger, and an instant man. We don't want to wait to see if the relationship is working, we believe that what- ever is wrong with him we can fix. I got news for you. Only God can fix 'em. We feel incomplete without a man and unloved. Sure, we all want to love and be loved in return, but to sacrifice your body, mind, and soul for a Scooby snack is going to block your real blessings.
We want instant gratification. We are not willing to wait. We find ourselves in bed with a man that we met at the grocery store a week earlier. The next thing you know, we are moving in with the man. Some women live with men for years and may even have a kid or two, or three, by him. They are unhappy, unsatisfied, and frustrated because they don't know how to get this man to marry them. Then they come to
me; for whatever reason they just can't see where they went wrong. Here are a couple of pointers to the wise.
First point; let me emphasize this. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED! Don't cast your pearls to the pigs. Your body is a living sacrifice and you should cherish it and preserve it for the man who is going to marry you. If you just can't go without the sex, for those who are so inclined, go get yourself some batteries and calm that inferno of passion.
Second point, understand that, for many Christian
men, the only reason they get married is to have God-sanctioned sex or to start a family. But for the majority of men today, they won't commit to marriage because they enjoy a sexually active single life in a social climate that doesn't push them to marry. See
this article from
CBS
News and this one from the
Washington
Times. My own husband has admitted that he married for God-sanctioned sex and to have a little girl. Many Christians in general believe that marriage is for procreation (be fruitful and multiply) and to satisfy their sexual desire. It is better to marry than to burn with desire [1 Cor 7:9. But if they cannot contain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn (KJV)]. So if some Christian men marry in order to have God-sanctioned sex and start families, when you have sex and kids before you get married, what is left to motivate a man to marry you? Not much. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent men out there who want a friendship and love relationship as the basis of their marriages, however there are many more men who will drink the milk without buying the cow, as the saying goes, and could care less about marriage as long as they are getting the milk free.
We also settle for less because we don't realize who God is and what Jesus did. When we look at ourselves without the blood of Jesus covering our sins, of course we don't measure up. Thus we feel that we are not worthy and we operate out of
lower-self esteem.
Self-esteem
is composed of such factors as self-worth, self-competence, and
self-acceptance. When we constantly settle for less than the
best, our self-esteem is lowered. When our self-esteem is
lowered, instead of being responsible for our own happiness, we
look to a man to satisfy our every need. Avoiding self-responsibility victimizes us. Sometimes, when this occurs, we feel frustrated and blame the man for the losses in our lives. However, when we take responsibility for our life by trusting and depending on God instead of man, we can quit being passive and start becoming assertive by taking the necessary action to reclaim our
lives. Then we will begin to recognize that nothing is going to get better until we change the way we look at things, the way we choose to feel about things, and the way we respond to things.
Begin to recognize and say no to the crumbs of men by (1) renewing your mind with the word of God, (2) casting off your fears by remembering that God has not given you the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind [2 Tim 1:7], and (3) by doing what the word of God asks you to do. Remember, like the
Gentile woman, you have to do something. Waiting on a man to come and sweep you off your feet to fulfill your every need is like panting like a little dog at the feet of your owner while he wipes the crumbs off the table. Getting your blessings from God takes persistence, faith, and denying yourself. After you've done those things, then you can kick off your shoes, sit down and relax at the table and enjoy a feast of
blessings.
Joy O. Banks
21 February 2003
joy@praisenet.org
Part 5: Christians & Masturbation
