Dividing The Dreams of A Lifetime
I didn't know what to say. I just
cleaned the house. I thought that a clean house
represented a happy house. It was such a cruel dichotomy: 50/50
of two good things.
I am a whole person because two parts came together and united
as one. Love can be explosive. Sometimes love is so strong it
doesn't know how to express itself except through anger and
pain. Them not being able to speak, is not my fault. I don't
know what caused it, I don't know why, but it ain't my fault.
Your parents divorcing ain't yours, either.
by Neil Brown
I thought they could work it out. They always had before. They
had been careful to really not try to fight in front of us as we
were growing up. They did that behind closed doors. Sometimes
they yelled, sometimes they didn't. I respected that. I
understood that when you were married, you do your best not to
go to bed angry with your spouse. I witnessed people who did
their best to bring resolution into the house so that the house
would have peace. But, it would not work out this time. And it
dragged on and on and on. For days, weeks, months it dragged.
The house had never been so quiet like this before. Two people
who could no longer communicate. They had nothing to say to each
other. How do you live with anybody for years and have nothing
to say? Not ,"Good morning", or ,"Sleep well”. Couldn't say, “I
love you", anymore. Yes, it happened while I was trying to
figure out my future. My past and present fell apart. My support
system, part of my foundation gone... my parents divorced.
I lost something valuable on April 20, 1992. I lost the notion
that people really do stay together. I thought that this is the
stuff that happens to other people, but not at my house. Not in
my family, not my parents. But, they finalized their separation.
They united April 19, 1961, and said goodbye April 20, 1992.
It's like having your birthday removed from your life. Because
you figure that somewhere these two people loved each other
enough to create a life together. I envisioned 50 and 60 year
anniversary dates, gone. Family trips, gone. Christmas, gone.
Birthdays, gone. Homecoming of the children, gone. Getting
together with the grandchildren, gone. With the stroke of a pen,
a decree dismantled my whole world, and these two people were
okay with it. And I thought it was my fault.
What do I do? I didn't know what to say. I just cleaned the
house. I thought that a clean house represented a happy house. I
spent hours trying to clean the stench and the stain that the
invisible silence left behind. I tried to clean until the
rainbow would break through and heal my house. But, what I knew
to be home was now just a house. Mom was working two jobs, so I
would cook dinner for her so she could eat a little something
when she got home. She would have gone for hours by then since
lunch. My dad wouldn't cook. He just watched TV. He was retired
and did nothing but play golf and go to bars. Meanwhile, I
cleaned everything, except my room— making an example of my
inner emotions. I didn't know how to clean my own room. I
couldn't make sense of the mess in my room and my own life. I
spent so much time trying to fix them, that I forgot about me. I
got lost in my own guilt and in between two people that I love
with all my heart. I felt like choosing would be a detriment to
relationships. A dichotomy: 50/50 of two good things. I am a
whole person because two parts came together and united as one.
I felt guilty. I didn't want to move on without them being
together. I felt incomplete. Who do I turn to for advice? Who do
I ask questions of? I felt distress. I felt despair. I felt
angry. I felt numb. I felt all these emotions that I could not
fix or temper. I could manage and I couldn't cope. I lashed out
at people. I cussed folks out, including my parents. I worked
two jobs so I wouldn't have to think about it or deal with the
reality of it. My parents got divorced, and I was mad at the
world. I was eighteen years old, and couldn't figure out my own
mind. I felt ridiculous. I felt like I was in danger, like I was
no longer safe. I lost my covering, my shield and protection.
I got tired of seeing my friends whose parents were still
married and going strong. I wished they could go through what I
was going through. There were times that I didn't want leave
these folks' houses even though I wanted to see them try to
stand up to a divorce. I was back and forth. I stayed out late.
I drove around town for no reason, just looking for anything
like home. I did not sleep, I refused to sleep. And I couldn't
tell this kind of stuff to my parents. How do you tell someone
who is already hurting that you're hurt, too? So, I resolved to
remain strong and let nobody know that I was feeling demoralized
and sleep deprived. I told nobody, and it festered in me. I
secretly prayed that they would get back together and start over
knowing that it was not going to happen.
Fault Lines: The American Dream is a complex and difficult status to achieve and maintain.
Young people, this divorce is NOT your fault.
Stop feeling guilty. Let it go. Your parents divorcing has
nothing to do with their love for you; it's them living
together. They may love each other, they just can't live
together. Sometimes love is so strong it doesn't know how to
express itself except through anger and pain. Love can be
explosive. My parents may have loved each other so much that
they had to say goodbye to their relationship as man and wife.
They could no longer co-exist. I don't know, I'm just
speculating. But, for sure their split is not my fault. Them not
being able to speak, is not my fault. I don't know what caused
it, I don't know why, but it ain't my fault; it ain't yours
either.
But, you must talk to someone and begin to sort through your
feelings and emotions. You've got to tell your parents that your
love for them doesn't mean that they can use you as pawns to get
the upper hand. And if you can't talk to them, then talk to
somebody you trust and begin to let it go. When did I let it go?
Glad you asked.
It happened to me in church service while directing the choir.
They were singing, “All In His Hands," you that thumper.
Whatever the problem, I put it all in His hands I know that He
can solve them, I put it all in His hands... you know that one.
You've probably heard it once or twice (go 'head and smile). And
towards the end of the song, there is this cadence in which the
choir has to follow the director. So whatever I shout out, they
must do; it happened in church service right there, on display,
God spoke to me and said, “I'm giving you the peace that passes
all understanding", and I lost my mind. And, let it go.
Now, some twelve years later, I understand that God was teaching
me to never take any relationship for granted. Don't take
anything for granted, not even your life. Cherish every
experience. Live life to its fullest. Take the risks. Living is
not being lazy; relationships and life take work. Communicate
with those that you love. Tell them. Whatever bothers you, tell
them. Nothing is sacred. Your questions, ask them. Your fears,
face them. Your confusion, get help sorting it out. You cannot
drown in the abyss of complacency and apathy. You are better
than that. You deserve the opportunity to change the world. Your
dreams, go after them. Your regrets, do not dwell on them. Your
failures, learn from them. Yes, this divorce hurt, but it
doesn't hurt anymore.
Neil M. Brown
30 January 2004
holla@neilbrown.org
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